he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
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I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
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We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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