Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
