An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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