omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
