On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
