The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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