I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
