Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
