The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
God I need to hump something, right now.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
