She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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