i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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