I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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