I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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