I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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