my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
