He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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