she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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