I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
he thought i was a dude.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
