Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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