I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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