shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
