I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Randomize
