There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
