Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
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last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
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I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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