Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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