Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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