i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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