Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
