Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
