Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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