I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
