Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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