Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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