who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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