I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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