im six kinds of drunk right now
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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