I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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