he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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