i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
