I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
