2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
