dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
