can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
