She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
