Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
