hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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