i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
