The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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