I must be too annoying 4 u.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
