then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Is her dick bigger than yours?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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