When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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