matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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