This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She told me I should be a condom model.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
