what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
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