i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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