Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
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I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
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I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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