i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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