god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
